i'm back

Well, here I am. My last blog was super depressing and a big downer. And then I disappeared for a little while. Well, I'm back. Want to hear something really depressing but also funny and ironic at the same time? I decided that I wanted to see a therapist so I could have someone to tell everything to and maybe help me. I found one and called, got the voicemail. No call back. Haha, the therapists won't even talk to me. (This does not actually upset me, it's funny...you are allowed to laugh).
Anyhow, I'm avoiding a lot of stuff. Well although I feel much better, I know that the underlying feelings of sadness and kinda indifference is still there. I hit a very low point last week, the night of my last post was probably right on the dot. I was surprised by what people messaged me after I posted it to encourage me, and what people pretended that they did not see it. I think I was surprised more by who didn't say anything, but I will focus on the positives here. It was really nice to see people respond that I either a) haven't talked to in a really long time, b) never really had any strong connection with, and c) thought didn't care about me at all. I realized that I really am blessed with great people around me, I just shut a lot of people out when I started feeling down. I thought that the only thing that I wanted was my ex. I was wrong.
Sure, that would probably have temporarily made me feel better, but really something like this is bound to happen to anyone in life. I read up a little on it. But basically, I am trying to get back into my faith. I have been on and off a strong Christian. During my on times, I am on fire for God and loving every second of it. My off times, which occur more often and for longer periods of time, consist of no prayer, no thoughts of my faith, and a lot of selfish behavior. I'm going to go on a little rant so if you do not want to hear about Christianity, skip til the end of this paragraph. But yeah, I have found that I continue to try to make decisions for myself. I think that I know what is best for me, and a big part of that would be thinking I know what men to date or to even pursue. In the end, God is going to bring someone into my life, and I'm not going to expect it. I need to work on strengthening my trust that this is true. So this "year of not dating" is not limited to not dating, but also is going to be a time for me to build my relationship with God and my faith in Christianity. I've hit points like this before with similar realizations but after my problems go away I start to try to take over again..and this has been on repeat for years now. Friends reading this, please keep me accountable.
Anyhow, I need to get on my feet again. I'm in the process but I think it will take a while. But here is to the hope and efforts to come!