Quitting is hard.

It's never easy to quit. Most of the time, quitting means admitting defeat. Let's not forget that there are good things to quit, I don't want to downplay that. Regardless of good or bad, it always sounds easier than it is.

After this week, I'm done smoking.
This job is awful, I'm outta here.
Our relationship isn't what I wanted, it's over.

You can always plan it out in your head really nicely. Everything seems to work out really smoothly up there, every word meticulously planned and getting the perfect, satisfactory response from everyone around you. There won't be any struggle or confusion, it will just work.

Unfortunately, I recently turned in my 2 weeks notice for my current job.

Everything seemed like it was falling into place perfectly. I applied for the job on a late night in May and had an offer made to me not even a week later. I started work only 2 days after graduation at a higher pay than I had ever received before and full benefits. They were willing to give me off for all the days I needed off. I made friends at training.

I started in the house and I knew something was wrong immediately. The population I was working with were children with Autism, a group that I felt uncomfortable with. The first trainer I worked with had such a strong passion for these kids, and so it seemed the same for all the other staff. I didn't feel it. They told me it would come with time.

I finished training and started working in the house. I got smacked, punched, pinched. My hair was pulled, my face was swollen. They told me I would get used to it. I believed them. This is not to say that this job was awful, these kids needed people to be there for them, to try to understand them. I wanted to be that person they could trust. I wanted to thicken my skin and toughen up so I could do it. I wanted to stay. Everyone there was so encouraging and so helpful. It if wasn't for them, I wouldn't have lasted as long as I did.

My confidence faded. The passion never came. I couldn't convince myself of a good reason to stay anymore. I couldn't be what these kids needed. It hurt. I was upset with myself that I could not rise to the occasion and step up to the plate. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," but where was He and why did I feel like I truly couldn't do it?

I admitted defeat. I turned in my two weeks and winced almost every time I had to explain to someone that I was leaving. I had thought it would be easy, just tell them you are leaving and you'll feel better. Look up and ahead, you'll finally be able to wake up without dreading something.  Instead, I felt bad. The next two shifts were spent with some of the clients that became dear to my heart. I knew I'd miss them. I knew I'd miss the staff. I knew I would miss feeling like I was making a difference.

After time and thought though, I was able to find peace. Sure I would miss the kids there, but the staff remaining are so caring and wonderful that I know they are in good hands. I knew this wasn't where I was supposed to make my difference. I knew I'd find my passion, I just needed to press forward.

I was also able to learn a lot about myself during this time. I learned that I am uncomfortable with certain populations. I learned that I am extremely sensitive. I also learned that I definitely want to work with young kids. I knew this before, and signed up for "children's residential," at work. When I got there and found that children included kids up to the age of 21 at this particular home, I had a hard time. It reaffirmed that young children are where my true passion is at.

So now what? I applied to be a nanny and a babysitter. I have an interview next week and I've been in contact with people since I turned in my 2 weeks. I decided I want to go back to school and get my Masters in Early Childhood Education.

I'm really excited for my future. If it wasn't for this opportunity, I would always have the "what if," in my head. I would never have met some of the wonderful people that I did.

God really showed me what I'm capable of. I had no idea that I could handle some of the things that I did. I'm not exactly sure what the far future holds for me, and I'm okay with that. I trust that He has a great plan for me and when it's time, things will all fall into place.

Quitting is hard. Admitting defeat is upsetting. The important thing, though, is looking to the future and seeing something brighter. 

Missing Greece

Things at Messiah have been so great this semester. Being reunited with my friends has been amazing and being able to be invested in their lives again is so nice. I've also made a ton of new friends and been experiencing new things at every bend.

Today, however, is a missing Greece day. This may have been partially due to the fact that my dear Mew-Pi-Rittany texted me about Santorini. Regardless, these days come and go as they please, but today I felt the need to reminisce a bit.

Thinking back, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find another place that will give me the same feelings that Santorini did. From the moment we stepped on the ferry to leave Athens until we stepped back on it at the end of our trip, I felt not a single ounce of worry, stress or any other negative feeling. Not even when we found out the ferry home was full and we would have to stay another night and miss class, I was not upset. Not even when we were lost trying to find the "white beach" did we stress, which ended up in our finding of that little perfect secluded beach at the bottom of that mountain. The people were so friendly, from the hostel owner and his wife who were so kind to us, and the woman and her husband who owned the restaurant by the sea. Those cappuccinos will never be matched, and the ice cream with sparklers in them that Karlyn got SO excited over. Maybe even the guy we met when we went out in Fira who hung out with us all night. I will NEVER forget when Call me, maybe came on and every single one of us (Karlyn, Kristyn and Bri included) were full out going hard and dancing. The bakery around the corner with super cheap deliciousness, or those frozen cappuccino things that we bought in mass amounts in fear of never finding them again (still haven't had one since...). That island is seriously one of my most precious memories.

Now, though Egypt wasn't the most pleasant experience, there was one defining moment of that trip. We went into it thinking we were getting this little room with 2 queen sized beds. Not only did we get an upgrade, but it was FREE. We got an APARTMENT SUITE. Walking in, we had 2 full bedrooms, a kitchen, living room, balcony, study and 2 full bathrooms. The man who showed us the room left and the second he closed the door, we had one of those moments you only see on TV. Door closed, we all looked at each other and started screaming out in pure joy. What an amazing surprise. Not to mention the super cheap prices on the delicious food (minus the salmon that was definitely not cooked...) And sitting up at night playing Taboo on Karlyn's ipod, "This is a famous person who..." Ahh I just remember cracking up so hard.

Our runs to Bucks were outrageous. I miss George and Giannis and Socrates and Roxanne. They were so generous with us and our free drinks all the time. And our special drinks from George. I knew from the time he wrote "I will kill you," in Greek and gave it to us that it was going to be a special relationship. The Midnight Arch runs will always be a part of me too. Literally waiting until midnight to walk all the way across town to get some mcdonalds french fries and usually complain about whatever we were frustrated about at the time.

PEGASUS.

What about our first time trying to get to Lake Vouliagmeni. We just hopped on the bus with no dang clue where we were going and had to ask that guy sitting across from me. We eventually got off where he told us was the right spot and headed for what we thought was the lake and ended up at some wind-surfing place. "Is this Lake Vouliagmeni?" "Umm, this is the Mediterranean Sea." Embarrassing.

Missing my girls so much it hurts. HKKKK.

Better late than never, right?

So I realized I never actually posted an entry for coming back to the states. It was a long and smooth flight, and I got to sit next to my roommate, Brenna. This time, unlike the flight there, we had personal TVs so I watched tons of random shows and slept a lot. Arriving in the airport was actually an amazing feeling. I had been so sad about leaving Greece that it felt good to feel something positive.

After being attacked by my sister in the airport, my parents and I waited with Erin, Stratos and Abbie (Cousin, husband and baby) for their ride. They were on my flight but we were in different sections so I didn't see them at all during the flight. Total bummer.

We went to a diner on the way back, but at that point I was so tired I could barely eat. Slept the whole way home, only to be knocked down by my dogs upon entering my house. My two chunky bulldogs, who I missed SO much, were so energetic and happy to see me. It didn't take long before I made my way to my bed, which was WAY comfier than I remembered.

The following day started off completely opposite as it would have in Greece. I woke up and got right in the shower...which in Greece I would have had to turn on the water heater and wait 45 minutes for the water to heat up. After my shower, I got in my parents car....didn't have a car in Greece...and drove to a breakfast diner...don't have them in Greece...and had an omelet and BACON...no bacon in Greece.

While driving back, I sent some texts...it was never that easy in Greece. Got home and used the restroom, and FLUSHED my toilet paper, couldn't do that there either. Saw some friends and family and loved life.

Basically, having been in Greece has helped me to appreciate how easy I have it here. Life hands you luxuries here that we just overlook. And thought all of these things are amazing, nothing beats the friends I made while I was away. I miss them so much, it is hard to go from seeing them all day and every day, to barely texting.

Life is good, though. I've learned so much and I'm ready to test myself and see how well I can do with keeping up this "new me."

This is what summer is supposed to look like...

Tonight was one of those nights that are so perfect that you have trouble showing others how it was. You take pictures, tweet about it, ect. but nothing seems to give it its proper glory. It started off slow and as a surprise party for my cousin. Everyone was just hanging out until the sun set, and then we lit a fire. All of us, cousins, significant others, and strangers sat around the fire, just talking and sharing stories. The little girls brought glow sticks and gave them out, so we were all decked out. We shared many laughs over the "scary stories" shared by the little ones and told our own stories here and there. The girls threw their glow sticks into the pool, followed by all of us doing so which was one of the most amazing looking things. It's the simplest things.

One of the girls I met tonight pointed out what an amazing thing a fire does to the environment. You could be sitting in a room with a group of people and when it gets silent, it's awkward. Whereas if the same group was sitting around a fire, you could be silent for hours and nobody would even notice because the fire just draws you into deep thought. Again, it really is amazing. We sat there and watched it burn. Someone threw in a glass bottle and we just watched it melt, then reform when moved out of the fire, and melt back again afterwards.

My cousin actually said tonight, "It's just one of those things that's better in person," and it really hit home with me. I'm always so concerned with getting a good picture to instagram or a good tweet but being in the moment and really appreciating everything around you is so important and is so much more satisfying.

Anyhow, I haven't blogged much since I've been home... or have I at all? I'll check and if I haven't then I'll do a better one soon but it's been great. I miss Greece and my friends from the program but I also love being home. It's so comforting and is definitely where my heart is. Goodnight.

Leaving Greece: Emotional Roller Coaster

It's hard to explain how I have been feeling over the last week because it changes almost every hour.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmingly excited, I have so much to look forward to at home, family, friends, pets, job, car, ect. At other times I feel like I am dreading it because I am scared of falling back into my old lifestyle. And the obvious, many times I feel sad because this country has become my home and I have grown to love everything it has to offer.

Let's start with excited. My family and friends are so dear to me, which is what made this trip hard at times with being away from them.  I am so blessed with the group of people I am surrounded by at home and I am beyond excited to be with them again. My dogs are the sweetest things on this earth and I'm ready to have my cuddle buddy, Louie the bulldog, back. I also gain my luxuries back, driving, hot showers, air conditioning, mom-made meals, cellphone service when I don't have internet, flushing toilet paper, and having an income again.

Now the feeling of dread. As I've been going through this trip, I have learned a whole lot about myself and about who I want to be.  Steps have been made to get where I want to be and I am very happy with the progress I've made. I am worried that going home, to the same surroundings I had before I left, will bring me back to stage 1, right where I left off. I have to take responsibility though, and start making decisions based off of me instead of worrying what others will think.

And of course...sad. This group of people I've met here and been surrounded by since we got here could not have been handpicked better. We have invested so much in each other and really gotten close over these past 3 months. To think that we will be going home and separating at the airport, going in all different ends of America, is heartbreaking.  I don't doubt that I'll see them again, but going from all day and every day together to across America...it is going to be hard. Not only that, but all of the friends I've made that live in Greece. George has been the biggest blessing to us. He has taken us out and shown us the best time we have known, and has invested so much time in helping us to have a good and safe trip.  I don't think he quite knows the extent of how much he helped us...and I am going to miss that man with all of my heart. Gaaaaasshhh I am tearing up just writing this. Bawled my eyes out last night after parting with him for the final time. There were others too, the employees at Starbucks have become friends, as well as Demetri from the Hopper Cafe. I go there so often that he knows my order, and even my weekend plans. Today was my last visit with him, he gave me my coffee for free and said "Ah, your last coffee from my hands." I lost it. Ugh, the second I walked out I had to put my glasses on to cover my tears. I don't know when I became so emotional but I have been a WRECK over these last 2 days. The worst is when someone asks when we will come back, because I like to hope I will be back one day, but I fear I won't. My heart hurts, it feels like a breakup. This place that I've grown to love with these people I also love...and losing it all at one time.

I will miss these things from Greece:
-George from Starbucks
-Giannis from Terina Restaurant
-Demetri from Hopper Cafe
-Our friend from the Olive Tree Store
-Starbucks employees
-Panayotes (spelling?) George's friend
-Souvlaki
-Tzatziki
-Feta Cheese
-Greek salad
-Moussakas
-Pastries
-Midnight Arch and Everest runs
-Kristyn's yolo jokes
-Brittany's nerve misfires
-Bri's "I hate that you just said that"
-Karlyn's "This is some bullshit"
-Lauren's animal obsession (mostly laughing at it)
-The metro
-Freedom
-Beautiful beaches with clear water
-Seeing the Acropolis on a daily basis
-The genuine kindness in most of the people
-People playing instruments (accordion, guitar, flute) on the street
-Everything

This is going to be hard.

Hot days, sleepless nights

As I'm sure all of you know from my endless complaints...the temperature has skyrocketed here.  Yesterday...97 degrees. Today...95. It is ridiculous. What is more ridiculous is that we have these little personalized fans, one per room, to keep us cool. It isn't working. Last night wasn't the first night that I stayed up til almost 6 in the morning, tossing and turning, and using the only sheet on my bed as a sweat rag. Today I woke up and my hair...it looked like I took a shower because I was so hot and sweaty.
TMI, I know, but I also don't really care. The heat does more than make me sweat, it makes me tired. I just want to sleep all the time, but no matter how tired I am...I can't.  Also it makes me annoyed and unmotivated. Probably because I am running on no sleep and cannot cool off no matter what I do. Just sitting here in my room, at 9:30pm, I'm sweating. Just existing makes me sweat.

So with all of that said, it is making me a bit more excited to go home.  It is helping with the transitioning because I was starting to get really sad and down about leaving this place behind. It's still hard because it's gotten to the point where this place feels like home, and the thought of leaving in 9 days and possibly never coming back is...sad. Here are some things, though, that I am looking forward to:
1) Air conditioning
2) Washing machine
3) Cellphone
4) My car
5) Food.. including sushi, philly cheesesteaks, chickie and petes crab fries, pad thai, PF changs, skittles, real pizza, ect (I've had 3 months of cravings to build up quite the list)
6) To be able to take a hot shower whenever I want
7) To be able to flush my toilet paper
8) Be with my friends and family
9) See my precious dogs!!!!
10) To work. Though it has been nice to just focus on classes and lounging...it will be nice to have an income again.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to make the most of my last week and a half and drink in every last second with my friends before we spread out across the nation back in America.

Also, sorry for not blogging more...my days consist of me being grumpy cause I didn't sleep, me complaining about being hot, class and tons of homework, finals preparation, and just plain old hanging out.

Bittersweet

I've been having a little bit of trouble with understanding what I'm feeling as my departure date gets closer.

I have so much to look forward to when I get home, my job is SO fun and the people are amazing. Living with my family is the best. The luxuries that I've been deprived of since I've been here will be back, and I'll be back where everything is familiar.

I also have so much to feel sad about losing. I've mad some awesome friends here and after this trip, we go home to all over America, spread out and far away. Though I don't doubt some of us will stay close, I'll miss seeing them every day. I've also learned so much here that I don't want to lose when I go back home and fall back into regular routine. I've learned how to live.

Just felt like rambling for a second.